


Today I Counted Raindrops

by China_Rose



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-18
Updated: 2013-06-18
Packaged: 2017-12-15 09:06:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/847752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/China_Rose/pseuds/China_Rose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes letting go is easier than holding on but why would you let go when there’s still hope?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Today I Counted Raindrops

**Author's Note:**

> **Beta:** I wrote this story this morning, so I am eternally grateful to Thoks for the speedy beta. Any mistakes found are mine alone, since I always give the story a once over before I post it.  
>  **Comments and Reviews:** Always welcome.  
>  **Disclaimer:** No money involved here at all and obviously I know nothing of these men other than what I read in the public domain so this is all fiction. They are not mine. I just play with them occasionally. This is a simple piece of fan fic and should be read as nothing more.

****

****

I counted raindrops today. I sat by the window and watched them as they lazily fell from the sky, one after another, to form imperfect puddles all over the rain soaked ground. I know it doesn’t seem like I was doing much with my time but it felt good to just let my mind wander.

Part of me wished it was night time because then I wouldn’t be distracted by watching the rain. Instead I could have listened to it and maybe it would have lulled me to sleep. Mind you sleep comes at a price. When I sleep I dream. I dream about you, us and how much I miss you and then everything changes and all the 'what ifs’, ‘maybes' and 'whys' vie for dominance until I wake, your name on my lips, as I struggle to remember what day of the week it is or worse, I reach for you but you’re not there. You seem so real to me in my dreams. I’m so sure that you are here with me but when I wake and the bed is cold where you should have been lying, reality slams into me as I stare at the ceiling and try not to cry for what is and what was.

That’s when I vow never to sleep again because I don’t want to wake up feeling the emptiness in my bed and my heart. I want to cry and scream and shout but what good does it do? What’s the point of hurling a lamp at the wall or screaming at the top of my lungs or curling into a ball and crying endless tears? Trust me, I’ve done all of those but it didn’t change a thing and you never came back. How could you! 

You’ve been gone a while now, you’d think I would remember that but it seems my mind doesn’t want me to let go. It won’t let me forget but it won’t hold onto the memories either. Why is it so hard? As each day passes I desperately try to clutch onto you but you’ve not been here in a long time. Sometimes if I try really hard I can still smell your scent on the pillow but it’s faint. I suppose that’s what happens, as time passes the physical reminders fade and all that is left are the memories. I worry sometimes that I won’t remember what it was like to have you beside me. I pray I won’t ever forget that or you.

I want you to know that I never changed anything at home. Your clothes are in the closet, your toothbrush is still in the bathroom and your favorite coffee mug is sitting on the kitchen bench where you left that last morning we rushed out the door on the way to work. Maybe I’m being stupid but I like being reminded of you everywhere I go in our home because if you can’t be with me then your things are the next best thing. 

Everyone tells me that time heals all wounds, and that the memories will blur until only the good ones remain, that the pain will go away and that I just have to let go. They’re wrong. I don’t want to let go. I won’t let go. Why the hell would I? You are my world. Why would I walk away from us, from you? Why would I parcel you up as a ‘pleasant but now over’ part of my meek existence? No…letting go is not an option and as for the rest, well let me tell you this…time merely passes it doesn’t heal and I cling to the memories because I don’t want to forget what we had and most of all I don’t want to forget you. Please don’t let me ever forget. As for the pain, well let’s just say that while the present is tough, the pain seems to be growing stronger with each passing hour, not diminishing. I don’t think it will ever go away and maybe I don’t want it to because if it stays raw then you remain with me in my thoughts constantly even when I count raindrops.

I’m so tired and lonely and I don’t want to face today because yesterday I hugged you and today I hug your pillow but I have to deal with today, don’t I? I just have to get through another endless twenty four hours and then I will face tomorrow. One step at a time, that’s all I can do right now because all those emotions that I want to push aside just keep falling on me like raindrops on a stormy day. They soak me with their intensity and move on only to return another day or night to assail me once more with useless feelings for something I can’t fix or change. 

I keep wondering if we did something wrong. Did we cause this to happen? Was this some sort of cosmic retribution because we dared to love one another? I can’t see how a love so strong could be that wrong yet the world can be cruel. We found each other and now we have been wrenched apart. Is that fair? Is it right? Not in my world it isn’t.

People tell me I am grieving and they’re right up to a point. According to all those people who have my best interests at heart, the five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Well I sure as hell moved through denial and on into anger but after that the process faltered. Don’t get me wrong I prayed and I guess there was some bargaining but generally I am at a stage that isn’t listed there; the one that says ‘don’t let go because anything is possible.’ I suppose until I get over that one I can’t move on to depression and finally acceptance but really why anyone would want to embrace depression is beyond me. And acceptance should be called giving up because that’s what it seems like to me. Acceptance means there is no hope and I want to believe that somehow a miracle will bring you back…okay so that sounds like I am back at denial. Maybe I am and maybe that’s where I want to stay because as long as I don’t lose hope then there is a future and I don’t want a future if you aren’t there with me…is that depression sneaking through? I hope not.

Anyway it’s not important how I grieve; just know that I mourn every day that we’ve lost. I miss you and what we had. I thought we had forever but now…well, forever isn’t as long as either of us thought it would be. The thing that I have realized is that if you’re not careful tomorrow can sneak up on you and swamp you while you’re reveling in today. I think that’s what happened to us. We were so happy that we forgot bad things happen to good people and now look at us.

Would I change what we did or had together? No way. If I could do it all again, I wouldn’t change a thing because the minute I start fearing the future I have already forfeited the present and that would mean losing precious time with you and that is unacceptable.

My life is now clearly marked by yesterday and today and the delineation is yesterday you were here and now you’re not. You know I really miss that easy life we had. It seems so long ago now…is it so wrong that I pray for it all to go back the way it was? I think it’s okay to want that, to want you because I love you and life without you is too cold and empty to even consider undertaking it at this point in time...ever actually. 

Well here I am again, waiting for a sign that says hope is not lost; that everyone is wrong and you will come back to me and then I saw it…the first sign that life is full of surprises and that miracles do really happen… 

You opened your eyes and looked at me and I knew that everything was going to be alright. I saw it in your eyes Jen…here in this empty hospital room you had finally found your way home to me. 

So, today I counted raindrops and then I saw a rainbow.

 

The End


End file.
